/I'm still alive,
but I'm barely breathing.

Ok, so here's the thing.
I'm sitting on the train, unable to relax for the whole 45min.
I'm sitting on the edge of the chair, as if I'm ready to pounce.
I got off the train, and pushed my tensed self to walk there.
As I step into the huge round area, I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
I'm going for a run to get my mind off it.
I ran faster and faster, trying to get the thought out of my head.
But, it was still up in my head.
I'm doing some stretching, trying to relax.
When I finished, I grabbed my stuff and headed off to hell zone.
As I stared down the empty lane, wondering if I can do it, I suddenly saw why.
Why I always couldn't do it.
It was there, staring right back at me.
The hurdle.
The mental hurdle that was stuck right in me that can't be removed.
I swallowed hard, wondering if I can do it this time.
Wondering if I'm just gonna pass it swiftly, or let the thing screw me up.
I stared down at my spikes as if I'll work wonders for me.
I wanted to shout, and let off the feeling of tense welling up inside me.
It was building up, and I wasn't sure anymore.
I look around and see no familiar faces, but that of my coach.
I got on the lane, with all eyes looking at me.
I felt my stomach churn. I'm going to be sick.
I wanted to squeeze the butterflies out of my stomach.
But I know it wouldn't work.
Why is it so hard?
I shook away that thought and got back to focus.
I crossed my fingers..
And. I went for it.

There, that's the best deal I can get for myself.
You probably wouldn't believe how tremendously nervous I am right now.
And you probably don't know why.
Well, neither do I.
But having the thought of going there myself, warming up myself, going for competition myself and going home myself, isn't exactly helping me in my nervous and screwed up mindset.
Well, whether I'm ready or not, I still have to go.
Wish me luck.

rae.